Today I am going to write about people.
This is on account of the fact that we're people, people are everywhere and we / they are a mystery often only understood in bits and pieces.
I have learned a lesson from these bits and pieces that has taken me far too long to learn and quite a few relationships to get right.
The lesson is about how it is good to give up on people.
Wait..what?
Once upon a time in my slightly younger, slightly more hormonal life I met some people. I was very excited. "Yay! Friends!" I thought. "Finally! Acceptance!" I also thought.
Spoiler alert: these people were not accepting.
They liked to sit in the car before school and vocally judge every passerby. At this point I was like "hmm...okay...how can I fit in with these people so that they don't judge ME?" Oh, young me. What a question that is.
So I began talking like them. I began looking critically at others on purpose. I felt like the worst version of myself around these people who looked for the worst in everyone. A couple of years went by. I didn't stop because I had to see and be around these people every day and I was too far in it to quit it. I knew they talked bad about me when I wasn't there, because they talked bad to me when I was there.
Then, I met a very nice and cool older girl. She told me that my "friends" were not good people. Up to that point I had never let myself entertain the thought that someone could just be bad. I pondered this for weeks. I realized how I had become a bad person in many ways. I began making excuses to not be with my old friends because of the influence they had on me.
I could humanize my old friends and we would all understand that they had their own struggles and reasons for acting the way that they did. But still, they boldly chose to not be good or kind and it was this revelation that ended our unhealthy and disgusting friendships forever.
And so I learned, people are sometimes bad and unkind and selfish. They have let themselves get to a point where they don't accept light and goodness and feed off of the things that will never leave them satisfied. But haven't we all been in this position?? I still feel for those living ignorantly in this dark place because I HAVE BEEN THERE. But we cannot always help those people! Sometimes we have to move on from them and STOP TRYING TO HELP because those people have to choose to change on their own!!!
I never understood that and it still pains me to accept it.
Which is why, years later and more recently when I have had to face this same battle again, I approached it with my guard down and my heart open.
I never understood that and it still pains me to accept it.
Which is why, years later and more recently when I have had to face this same battle again, I approached it with my guard down and my heart open.
OUCH.
I was once again treated with disrespect, but in a very different setting. I viewed these new relationships as more important than some rude 15 year olds in high school, I felt I would die trying to get close to these people even when they were rude to me. I let them be rude to me. I suppressed all negative emotions I had towards them until I would EXPLODE. I used the atonement repeatedly; practically every time I encountered these people. I was going on a lot of long, long runs, listening to angry music and ranting to my mom to try and cleanse my system.
It never left me feeling good, just stagnant.
And that is where I have been living for months.
Though, throughout the past year there have been some good times that I have happily latched onto, I continue to feel anxious and exhausted from these relationships.
In the past week - past year - I have poured my heart out to God and finally an answer has come.
STOP TRYING. They'll come around.
I never realized giving up on someone could feel so freeing!!!! And it's not necessarily what I want, because I want to see results, but it's what I'm going to do.
My head already feels clearer.
I'm unsure what will happen next, but I am grateful for a God that listens. I am grateful for the people who paint themselves in all shades of good; who let light in and who don't have 'judgement' listed in their emotional vocabularies. I know that only through our Savior can we become these people and I know I have a long way to go. I am grateful for the journey.
Until we all live happily ever after,
xoxo
Hallie Jo
