desparate to share, desparate to think.

I realized I had a problem when I first scheduled "thinking time" into my calendar. I was literally scheduling time to USE MY BRAIN. 

This is because my mind felt like it was buzzing at 1 million miles per hour, about to explode. And it did, many times (think: mental breakdown.) Yeahhh I didn't feel very successful at a lot of things, but I was definitely successful at crying. Go me!?

I was too busy, too stressed, too tired and uninspired. I worked 50 hours a week in a demanding environment, I spent roughly 2-4 hours a day with my husband and let me tell ya, I never used to be a netflix watcher, but this fatigued potato was too tired to do anything but be a fatigued potato. All of these many things I used to love so much, small discoveries and big ideas were pent up inside of a body that struggled to have the energy to even care. We had just moved to Utah and I had no friends, no immediate family near me and I was craving some deep talks. I could've told the mail man my life story!!! Too bad I don't even know the mailman. Hmm.

Anyways so we've established that I was more than tired. We all get it, right? Tired is like being an adult 101. But inside of this fatigued, anxious body was Hallie. And Hallie alwayyyss has something unique to say! Or at least I used to. I got really bad at it because I kept scheduling watching The Office over my thinking time?? *eyeroll at myself* Recently I was listening to a podcast that said "take a disadvantage and make it into a unique value." So when I noticed 1. "wow I am kinda desperate to talk about myself in social situations" and 2. I post on instagram way too much!"  I realized it was because 

I. needed. to. share. 

Desperately. 

...and you know what? Maybe you need to share too. 

Here's a quote I love:

When I was a kid I had a notebook for everything. From the top of my mind I can remember one completely about American Girl Dolls, one mindlessly devoted to my 11 year old primary crush (who told me 7 years later when we were friends that the feelings were, in fact mutual. I KNEW IT!!) and also then there's this one my mom just sent me, which...I don't even know. 

The cool thing about realizing you have a lot of things to say is that you can just say them. Man I didn't care if anyone read my 37 spiral bound notebooks as a kid, I just wrote in them. I just let it out like word vomit on a page and it was very therapeutic for lil Hal. But here's what I'm saying, people: This goes back to my biggest theory ever that I recently discovered which is that
WE ALREADY KNOW WHO WE ARE.
One of the biggest problems I notice in society, particularly in Utah is when people say "be yourself" and we respond  "I don't know who that is."
Oh homegurl, u know.
You just need to remember.

If we look back at patterns when we were a kid - I sang LOUD & PROUD in the grocery store!! I talked to strangers with confidence!! I wore flare jeans with a mini skirt on top (yeah not proud of that one) and you know what?? I SHARED. No question!! I just did.

ps. I was so cute??????

Figuring out / remembering who I am? That might take some time. But writing things down should not.
So if you are like me and just seem to be bursting at the seams with thoughts, ideas and inspiration? Let it out.
Let's do this.
xoxo
Hallie Jo

montana.

PART 1: A WEEK IN HEAVEN

Everyone has a happy place. Mine is Montana- think pine trees, lots of dogs and air that smells like fresh flowers. To be even more descriptive; my parents live in the woods and there is a trampoline in their front yard where we would just play with my nieces and nephews for hours. My mom would make lunch and my entire family would eat it on the grass. I felt like I was getting dozens of freckles by the minute out in that sun!!! Pretty sure if I stopped and listened close enough, I could hear angels singing because MONTANA IS HEAVEN. 

 My dog Rufus...sweet, sweet Rufus...would be running around the yard, or under the tramp. Sometimes I would jump on his head. I probably landed on his head like 5 times but he didn't care because he is a clingy, anxious dog who needs social interaction. Kind of like me ;) Except I'm not a dog. I WISH!

 My dad, Connor and I went on a hike one night to this overlook that shows the entirety of Frenchtown, Montana. PSA: it's a very, very small town. The hike was so pretty!! We brought Rufus and when he started taking off all the sudden, so did my dad and I because we KNEW he was chasing deer. Sure enough, we see their little white butts bouncing away as Rufus got all "tough guy" and scared them off. I think maybe he thinks he is invincible when in reality he is very sensitive. Also just like me. Can you say SPIRIT ANIMAL??

 I wasn't kidding when I said the world smells like fresh flowers in Montana. It's like breathing in unlimited opportunities!!!!! LIKE INSPIRATION!! LIKE U CAN DO ANYTHING!!! 

Everytime we go hiking, without fail, Connor picks me a flower and puts it in my hair. Lavender is in full bloom, so today that is what it was. Love him. 

 Rufus is so majestic. I realized I forgot to say bye to him like 2 hours into our drive home. The guilt is still eating me alive. Bless his fuzzy, clingy, doggie heart. 

PART 2: THE WEDDING 

 My brother Jace got married this weekend, which means that the Holyoak family is COMPLETE - not including grandchildren to come (in 5 years of course ;) ). We all tell Jace that Kelly is his better half hahaha. She is amazing. He is amazing. I was so weepy on their wedding day - I am just so sentimental and I LOVE LOVE. Love is so great. Jace and Kelly are so great. Also -  I took this picture of my parents and their three grandkids (angels, every one of them) and it makes my heart so happy. I won't post pictures from the wedding because I don't want to be that girl who posts before the bride gets to. ;) 

 Right before we left to drive back to Utah, we gathered as a family to say a prayer that we would travel safely. My 4 year old nephew, Kyler (the one on the left in that grandkid picture) prayed "please bless that we can be healthy so that Jesus doesn't die..." HAHAHA. Connor and I thought that it was the best prayer we have ever heard. 

And so, just like that, the week ended. Has the separation anxiety begun? yes! Have I earned trust issues with every other state that isn't Montana? YOU BET. Is socializing with anyone that is not my family THE WORST???? YOU SAID IT. I am just a homesick lil child, but I am so grateful for the week we had. Getting to spend all day with my husband, riding four-wheelers, hiking and acting like little kids is the best. You should see "uncle Connor" in action. He is all kinds of heart eyes. 

xoxo

Hallie Jo 

BORING MARRIED PERSON 101: A GUIDE

 I've been in a funk lately. I realized this when the most exciting thing I have done in the past 7 days was to go to ikea and buy $2 breakfast with my husband  (7/10 would recommend). And then after that I was exhausted...like I needed to go take a nap to recover. Work is life - think 20 shoots and 50 hours a week. Though I have sufficiently learned how to get "in" with all the Utah moms by complimenting their pristinely dressed children, I haven't been feeling super inspired lately. Pros and cons. ;) 

Usually I write blog posts every couple of months when I'm feeling particularly witty, uplifted and far away from struggling with the thing I was writing about, but I AM IN THE THICK OF IT NOW. Are you ready for the problem?

Life is dull. 

If they made a documentary about my life it would get 1 star on netflix. Maybe 2 if I had a cute dog.

It shouldn't be such a big thing, but it just....is. I can count on two hands the amount of friends I have traveling in Europe right now and I'm just doing my thang here in good ol' Provo, spending all my money on rent and my little blue car that decided to putter out and die. RIP blueberry. ps. was now really a good time, blueberry?   So I'm just kind of wondering - Is this MARRIAGE? Seeing my husband 2 hours a day before crashing in bed, exhausted? IS THIS MY LIFE NOW? 

Don't get me wrong, my job is AMAZING. I can't tell you how much being a full-time photographer has helped my people skills. It's a dream come true!! Someone read me this quote the other day that said "don't take advantage of the things you have that you used to want the most." I needed a good reason to drop out of college ;) AND I GOT IT. Only this is like photography college in a way with a two year contract that includes the exercising of creativity, socializing with a lot of strangers, getting lots of freckles working outside and oh yeah, I get paid!!! So that's great. It's my first career. It's good.  I'm tired, but it's good. I tell myself that this is my education and that I need to soak it up while I can. (Get back to me in 3 years when I have my own business shooting destination weddings all over the world and working my own hours!! 0% kidding.)

Photography is super rewarding! Look at some of my pics from this past week:

So yeah. My life is about as exciting as eating tacos and watching Parks and Rec with Connor. Today we climbed a tree! Tonight we'll go to bed early!! But you know what? Looking at it in perspective, this is the first time I have ever been 100% self-sufficient. I live in the cuuutest little brick house, I don't know how to treat strangers like strangers anymore, I have a husband who will give me back massages and I live in a state that has like 500 million temples!! I don't really have time for a social life, but when I do I will DEFINITELY be taking applications for some homegurls (or c

ounting down the days until Sister Monk comes home from her mission so I can brainwash her into living near me for the rest of her life and planning arranged marriages between our children.)

Okay!! Well yeah!! Thanks for reading my blog! Now go read your favorite travel blogger and get hyped again. ;) 

xoxo

Hallie Jo 

A Millennials Guide to Mental Illness

Let's talk about mental illness....because gosh dang it, sad tweets & pinterest quotes just don't do anything for anyone. People everywhere are struggling and we should talk about it with each other instead of hiding in our rooms and listening to Secondhand Serenade while strumming minor chords on their guitar (RIP 2014 me). 

In the peak of my anxiety & depression (junior year of high school) my mom brought home a picture book from the good ol public Library. It illustrated anxiety as a monster that corrupted a girl and took over her emotions. 

Anxiety was it's own thing; a monster. What a concept. 

 I had never seen anxiety as something separate than myself. Up until then, I was the monster. Something was wrong with ME. My emotions lived at a theme park and my tears were a result of too many lonely nights where I binge ate frosted flakes. I thought I was getting fat...and that everyone that stared at me for more than 2 seconds hated me. I thought my AP english teacher only talked to me because she felt sorry for me. I thought that boys who wanted to date me would end up realizing I was crazy emotional. So I didn't date. 

I WAS UNSTABLE and I didn't like myself. It's exhausting to hear about, right? And yet, did you know that 1 in 5 adults in the US experience this or similar symptoms?????? That's a lot. Hide yo' kids, hide' yo wife. But really don't. Sit them down and talk to them about their feelings because ANXIETY IS SO ISOLATING. THEY NEED TO TALK. 

Honestly, to get vulnerable with you, I have had days on days in a row where I couldn't get out of bed. I have taken sick days from work just because the thought of getting out of bed causes my hands to shake and my head to ache. During these times I become so, so desperate to distract myself. Perhaps this is why people hide behind their video games or their phones with the social media that depicts a perfect, structured life. 

I have not mastered the art of mental illness (if you have...hit me up let's get lunch.) I just want to share some ways that in the midst of this chemical imbalance, I have learned to really like myself...or even to just feel decent.  And I want to hear other people's ways so that we can combine forces and realize that we're okay. We're don't have to live as slaves to our emotions. We are more than anxiety and depression. 

Step 1: CRY (if you want to.) 

I believe in tears. My sister in law once told me "let the tears fall - it helps your acne." Amen sista. Cry it out and if you get mascara stains on your pillow?? Well HELLO...why else would they invent tide stain remover??? If you don't like to cry because it makes you feel worse, I get that. Live your dreams homie and proceed to step 2. 

Step 2: GROUND YOURSELF

Become aware of your senses. Think of the thing you are sitting / laying on (your bed or couch or whatever else.) Think about how it is grounded on a solid foundation and how that foundation goes into the core of the earth which is strongly supported by rocks and weight and structure. Look around and name two things you can smell, five things you can see and three things you can hear. It helps you come out of your mind. 

Step 2: VALIDATE YOUR EMOTIONS 

I am so passionate about this!!! This is so important!! You have to ride your emotions like a wave. The only reason you're having an anxiety attack at all is because they are pent up inside of you. The "suck it up" mentality is going to screw you over so STOP and identify what you are feeling. (IE: I am probably having anxiety because of 1. hormones 2. lack of sleep 3. Taylor Swift hasn't come out with a new album in 3 years etc.) When in the midst of an anxiety attack, I have found it very helpful to validate truths that I am sure of, including my triggers. IE: "I always get anxious when I am in a large group by myself. I am anxious because my grandpa is going to ask me about my college plans at every holiday until I am dead. I am anxious because my favorite show isn't airing on netflix again until October. ;) I have a CHEMICAL IMBALANCE IN MY BRAIN. THIS IS NOT WHO I AM. Anxiety can lead you down paths that cause you to doubt everything. I say things like, "I know my husband loves me." "I know that God helps me literally every day." "I know must be hot because my friends are hot." etc. ;) REPEAT THOSE THINGS. Force yourself to believe them. I mean FORCE. 

Step 3: GO IN NATURE & WORK IT OUT 

I get that not all of us are chaco-wearing nature enthusiasts. Some would attempt to take the elevator in a power outage. Many would rather stay in bed and eat chocolate chip cookie dough. I get it. But I don't support it....because going outside is SO CALMING AND GOOD FOR YOU. DO IT. Grab your dog - if you don't have a dog then just steal your neighbors; I'm sure the dog won't mind - and go on a hike! Walk around the block. Do some squats. Turn off your phone for a bit. You will never regret it. This one is hard because it requires a lot of motivation. Fun fact: it works like 98% of the time. 

Step 4: WHEN IT'S OVER, MOVE ON

Something that my husband has taught me, is that he doesn't want to talk about anxiety all the time. He says that it is a piece of his life, but does not need to be his entire life. If anxiety is a piece of your life - even if its just when you have to get your cavities filled - don't victimize yourself. Don't make the problem bigger than it needs to be or your mind is about to flip out 100x more. So what helps with this one? Live. Call your mom on the phone. Talk to someone!! Pray!! Gather pieces of hope via conversations or books or maybe take a nap (that one doesn't work as well for me because it makes me feel worse - but for some it totally resets them.) Do something that reminds you that you are alive. Don't go on twitter. Don't lay in bed mindlessly. Treat yoself!! Most of all, thrive for human connection. You are not alone even though you think you are. 

No really, you aren't. 

After that - Live. Adventure. Explore. CREATE. Even if to you, that means getting out of bed and trying something new for breakfast. I try my best to do one thing a day that scares me. Beforehand - I hate it so much. Afterwards - I am in sync with myself and I am a little bit stronger. 

Don't be afraid to fight for your life back and fight for your brain space because your mind is YOURS and that monster does not belong there. 

I would love to hear other peoples healthy coping mechanisms!! Let's start talking about this. 

xoxo

Hallie Jo 

(Giving up on) People.

Today I am going to write about people. 

This is on account of the fact that we're people, people are everywhere and we / they are a mystery often only understood in bits and pieces. 

I have learned a lesson from these bits and pieces that has taken me far too long to learn and quite a few relationships to get right. 

The lesson is about how it is good to give up on people. 

Wait..what?

Once upon a time in my slightly younger, slightly more hormonal life I met some people. I was very excited. "Yay! Friends!" I thought. "Finally! Acceptance!" I also thought.

Spoiler alert: these people were not accepting. 

They liked to sit in the car before school and vocally judge every passerby. At this point I was like "hmm...okay...how can I fit in with these people so that they don't judge ME?" Oh, young me. What a question that is.

So I began talking like them. I began looking critically at others on purpose. I felt like the worst version of myself around these people who looked for the worst in everyone. A couple of years went by. I didn't stop because I had to see and be around these people every day and I was too far in it to quit it. I knew they talked bad about me when I wasn't there, because they talked bad to me when I was there. 

Then, I met a very nice and cool older girl. She told me that my "friends" were not good people. Up to that point I had never let myself entertain the thought that someone could just be bad. I pondered this for weeks. I realized how I had become a bad person in many ways. I began making excuses to not be with my old friends because of the influence they had on me. 

I could humanize my old friends and we would all understand that they had their own struggles and reasons for acting the way that they did. But still, they boldly chose to not be good or kind and it was this revelation that ended our unhealthy and disgusting friendships forever. 

And so I learned, people are sometimes bad and unkind and selfish. They have let themselves get to a point where they don't accept light and goodness and feed off of the things that will never leave them satisfied. But haven't we all been in this position?? I still feel for those living ignorantly in this dark place because I HAVE BEEN THERE. But we cannot always help those people! Sometimes we have to move on from them and STOP TRYING TO HELP because those people have to choose to change on their own!!!

I never understood that and it still pains me to accept it.

 Which is why, years later and more recently when I have had to face this same battle again, I approached it with my guard down and my heart open. 

OUCH. 

I was once again treated with disrespect, but in a very different setting. I viewed these new relationships as more important than some rude 15 year olds in high school, I felt I would die trying to get close to these people even when they were rude to me. I let them be rude to me. I suppressed all negative emotions I had towards them until I would EXPLODE. I used the atonement repeatedly; practically every time I encountered these people. I was going on a lot of long, long runs, listening to angry music and ranting to my mom to try and cleanse my system. 

It never left me feeling good, just stagnant.

And that is where I have been living for months. 

Though, throughout the past year there have been some good times that I have happily latched onto, I continue to feel anxious and exhausted from these relationships. 

In the past week - past year - I have poured my heart out to God and finally an answer has come.

STOP TRYING. They'll come around.

 I never realized giving up on someone could feel so freeing!!!! And it's not necessarily what I want, because I want to see results, but it's what I'm going to do. 

My head already feels clearer. 

I'm unsure what will happen next, but I am grateful for a God that listens. I am grateful for the people who paint themselves in all shades of good; who let light in and who don't have 'judgement' listed in their emotional vocabularies. I know that only through our Savior can we become these people and I know I have a long way to go. I am grateful for the journey.

Until we all live happily ever after,

xoxo

Hallie Jo 

Pictures & Words

When 2017 began I decided that it would be my year of choices. 2016 was all about Connor and I and our relationship and now that we MADE IT and are married and living so happily (God bless!!! I wish I could tell my engaged self that it would all work out) I am dedicating time to helping myself mature and grow. 2016 was like a year long version of that time in high school when my prom dress wouldn't zip the night before prom. It was like getting hit by a train over and over. It was like that gross feeling you get when you eat too much muddy buddies. It was all the bad things. 

So of course I was ready to welcome a beautiful new year and I was so grateful to celebrate
NEWNESS and to be rid of my last 365 days!! It did not take long for 2017 to let me know that it would be very nice to me. This solidifies my belief that good will always follow the bad!! God will give us rewards for our troubles and our pains and our sacrifices ALWAYS. 

JANUARY

We spent our first week of 2017 in Portland, Oregon. We spent our second week moving into our little cute house in Provo, Utah. Our third week of January was the week I found my dream job and ran into my best friend serving a mission in Salt Lake City. Wow...it sounds even better when I write it down. :') Here's some pictures:

Portland, Oregon

Our lil house ft. Connor eating snowflakes

HERMANA MONK!! Crying in the middle of a food court. 

FEBRUARY

February was a BLUR. Sometime during that blur we went to St. George, Connor got a job working at a bike shop and my best friend Serena came up and visited. We both started working full-time = BUSY! Connor got his new love - his bike and we made a blanket fort for Valentines Day. I don't even know what else happened, soo here's a picture of Serena lookin like a babe: 

This is pretty much the first good picture I ever took...I blame it on the hot model ;) 

MARCH: 

March was amazing. March was a Ben Rector concert (!!!! DREAM COME TRUE) with Heath and then a Panic at the Disco concert a week later. It was Connor's birthday and drowning in photography in the best way and binge watching the office. It was also me officially accepting SHORT HAIR and wearing mom jeans. But everyone knows that mom jeans aren't news. ;)

What's next? Well, starting on Saturday I officially begin working full-time as a photographer for Fotfly! I am officially bookable on good ol fotofly.com!!!! General conference is this weekend and my family visits at the end of the month. Also I'm doing a juice cleanse and some squats to prep myself for a month of fitness. Woohooo! 

xoxo, 

Hallie Jo