desparate to share, desparate to think.

I realized I had a problem when I first scheduled "thinking time" into my calendar. I was literally scheduling time to USE MY BRAIN. 

This is because my mind felt like it was buzzing at 1 million miles per hour, about to explode. And it did, many times (think: mental breakdown.) Yeahhh I didn't feel very successful at a lot of things, but I was definitely successful at crying. Go me!?

I was too busy, too stressed, too tired and uninspired. I worked 50 hours a week in a demanding environment, I spent roughly 2-4 hours a day with my husband and let me tell ya, I never used to be a netflix watcher, but this fatigued potato was too tired to do anything but be a fatigued potato. All of these many things I used to love so much, small discoveries and big ideas were pent up inside of a body that struggled to have the energy to even care. We had just moved to Utah and I had no friends, no immediate family near me and I was craving some deep talks. I could've told the mail man my life story!!! Too bad I don't even know the mailman. Hmm.

Anyways so we've established that I was more than tired. We all get it, right? Tired is like being an adult 101. But inside of this fatigued, anxious body was Hallie. And Hallie alwayyyss has something unique to say! Or at least I used to. I got really bad at it because I kept scheduling watching The Office over my thinking time?? *eyeroll at myself* Recently I was listening to a podcast that said "take a disadvantage and make it into a unique value." So when I noticed 1. "wow I am kinda desperate to talk about myself in social situations" and 2. I post on instagram way too much!"  I realized it was because 

I. needed. to. share. 

Desperately. 

...and you know what? Maybe you need to share too. 

Here's a quote I love:

When I was a kid I had a notebook for everything. From the top of my mind I can remember one completely about American Girl Dolls, one mindlessly devoted to my 11 year old primary crush (who told me 7 years later when we were friends that the feelings were, in fact mutual. I KNEW IT!!) and also then there's this one my mom just sent me, which...I don't even know. 

The cool thing about realizing you have a lot of things to say is that you can just say them. Man I didn't care if anyone read my 37 spiral bound notebooks as a kid, I just wrote in them. I just let it out like word vomit on a page and it was very therapeutic for lil Hal. But here's what I'm saying, people: This goes back to my biggest theory ever that I recently discovered which is that
WE ALREADY KNOW WHO WE ARE.
One of the biggest problems I notice in society, particularly in Utah is when people say "be yourself" and we respond  "I don't know who that is."
Oh homegurl, u know.
You just need to remember.

If we look back at patterns when we were a kid - I sang LOUD & PROUD in the grocery store!! I talked to strangers with confidence!! I wore flare jeans with a mini skirt on top (yeah not proud of that one) and you know what?? I SHARED. No question!! I just did.

ps. I was so cute??????

Figuring out / remembering who I am? That might take some time. But writing things down should not.
So if you are like me and just seem to be bursting at the seams with thoughts, ideas and inspiration? Let it out.
Let's do this.
xoxo
Hallie Jo