Part 4 - The Engagement

I refuse to sugarcoat anything about this post!!!
The first four months of being engaged were the hardest of my entire life. 

For us, being engaged was a very vulnerable and unsteady time. It was exquisitely painful. This is really hard for me to share, which is why writing this has taken me so darn long.

I don't want to sound ungrateful - Connor put a ring on it! I was so incredibly grateful and in love with him and life was headed exactly where I dreamed it to be headed. I just can't share about this time if I don't share it like it was - hard.

I moved to Utah on December 31st, 2015. I was moving in with a family of strangers to be their live-in nanny. I hated the thought of doing long distance with Connor and so I moved. I didn't think; I just did. I still remember my mom crying as I drove away from home. Her and I both knew it was the end of an era. Ouch my heart.

On the drive down I went through my expectations - 

1. Love my live-in nanny family

2. Make lots of money  

3. Find a second family in my in-laws.

4. Grow close to Connor

REALITY:

#1) The family I lived with took me under their wing. They were some of the kindest human beings I have ever met. They let me eat their food! They even bought me a gym membership so I could get a hot wedding bod! They are the kind of people who accepts everyone as family which was really something I needed during this time. It was really hard to not live with or even close to my family. It was vulnerable and scary and I was barely 19 years old, but these people helped SO MUCH. And you know what? I don't know if they know that. I was so focused on my corrupt relationships to appreciate my healthy ones. This is something I seriously regret.

#2) I picked up another job to make as much money as possible for married life, though Connor and I went out to eat like every single night so that explains why I never saw ANY OF IT. We were STRESSED. OUT. I was working 10 hour days! We needed coldstone ice cream on the daily.  

#3) So hard. 

#4) Five words: MENTAL ILLNESS IS THE WORST.
What a hard, hard thing. Connor and I both fought this fight every single day. Later, I told a friend, "we probably had one good day for every couple of weeks." I truly think that this anxiety came from lack of support from people in our lives. This was just tough. Just a tough, tough time. These first four months I don't feel like any crazy growth happened because we were just STRUGGLING, but I will say that this hard time was an incredible foundation for our marriage!

BUUUT there were a couple of good things that happened during these few months! Like for Connor's 20th birthday we partied it up with my Grandma in St. Geezy and saw X Ambassadors in Vegas. 

Oh and the best road trip that has EVER happened? It happened. 

By some miraculous twist of fate (aka me forcing them all to do it) I got (forced) all five of my best friends together for one lifechanging weekend in the most important place in the world - Montana.

 I'll never forget sitting pale-faced on the couch at 4 am with Jackson and Katie holding our throw up buckets. hahahaha. 

Every single one of my bffs in one picture (including pizza) = hallie heaven 

AFTER FOUR MONTHS, WE MOVED BACK TO REXBURG. 

WOOHOO!!!

Very important: this is when the #401bladebrigade was born.

Having this incredible support system - with my angelic best friend Katie at the lead, was life changing. Literally. Things started changing for the better.

Connor moved in with our dearest, sweetest best friend Jackson and life IMPROVED. *angels are singing because this is a wonderful miracle*
Were things still hard? yes! Was mental illness still everywhere? You bet. But it's amazing how the people you surround yourself with make (or break) the journey of life. 

The things that helped us the absolute most this time was our individual relationships to our Savior. I am not kidding when I tell you that Christ was incrementally leading us through every hour of every day these months.
But we only noticed if we chose to let him lead us.

One of the reasons Connor and I's marriage works SO, SO well and has been nothing but UP since August 5th at 4:10 is because of the hard times we faced.
We came from very different backgrounds and -were just two very different humans working together to build an US.

Sometimes we get some crap comments about how we rushed into marriage, but to that I RESOLUTELY say this: if there are two kids - who you know are good, good people - support them. If you are concerned - voice your concerns (!!!) as long as you COMMUNICATE! Seek to understand and then SUPPORT. My relationship FLOURISHED with the people in my life that encouraged this life changing decision!!

Anyone close to Connor and I knows that we worked our BUTTS off to be together. It's just that absolutely nothing in this God's green world was as important as us getting married in the TEMPLE and starting a family together! Connor said later, "what I needed most during this time was for the people that I loved to tell me I was doing the right thing."

Thank you to all of the people who told us we were good.

And guess what???

We did it.